I Heart Pam

April 19, 2010

In a million years I never thought I would say these words (and mean them), but here they are:  I friggin’ love Pamela Anderson.  Yup.  Baywatch bombshell, Playboy model, former showgirl and the Guinness Book of World Records’ “most downloaded star.”  Her website also casts her as actress, mother, developer (?), entrepreneur, philanthropist and activist.  Some ‘Links of Interest’ on her website include The Nation, President Obama, and the Getty.  Damn, girl, when do you find time to tan?

I’ve had this unrequited Pam Anderson girl-crush for years, not just since her current stint on Dancing with the Stars began.  More on that later.  The reason I love Pam is that she is a living example of someone who has fearlessly stepped into her authentic Self,  and makes no apologies for boldly celebrating who she is.  Hellz yeah!  She is pure cheese, and doesn’t pretend to be anything other than pure cheese.  In fact, Pam may defy all cheese labels and fall into the auspicious category known as “cheese food” – something defined as containing “a minimum of 51% natural cheeses by weight. It also must have a moisture content of at least 44% and a milkfat content of at least 23% (at least in the US).”  Draw your own conclusions.

Whatever you decide, you can’t deny that Pam has embraced what the Universe gave her and is now living a joy-filled life, having fun, doing things she loves and supporting the causes in which she believes.  Theoretically speaking, isn’t this the life we all want?  One that brings us unlimited joy?  Awesome.  I’ll have what she’s having.  Pam, you’re kinda my idol.

Now, most of us don’t see her at home with her kids, at the grocery store (although… typing that, I am reminded of THIS DAY from my blog in 2008), at the post office, or the library… what we see is the celebrity Pam, not the “real” Pam.  But literally and figuratively, she’s kinda put it all out there, has she not?  It’s not like she has anything to hide anymore.  Am I really supposed to believe the Pam who drives her own kids to school is that much different from the Pam who appeared on Larry King Live discussing how she talks child rearing with Kate Gosslein in the make-up room of Dancing with the Stars?   (P.S. Totes hate myself that the words “Kate Gosselin” just made it onto my blog – twice.)

Pam is the glimmer of light I tune in to catch each week now that the stunning physical specimen Aiden Turner has been cast off by viewers.  Who else do the gays have to root for?  Jake Pavelka?  He wears too many clothes.  Even after a Risky Business routine that saw Jake dressed much like Tom Cruise’s character from said movie – the iconic pink oxford, underwear and socks – one of the judges… the gay one… (wait… that doesn’t help…) Bruno asked, “Why did you put your pants back on?!”  EXACTLY!

There’s Evan Lysacek, I guess, but I have a problem with Evan, and I’m not even talking about swallowing the frog that is Evan claiming to be straight.  (We all live our own Truths, Evan.  You do what you need to do, and I support you.)  My problem with Evan is, that like Kristi Yamaguchi before him, I believe a figure skating background gives him an incredibly unfair advantage.  It isn’t a big stretch to surmise that Evan can spend more time working on technique and characterization when the choreography very likely comes more easily to him than it does to someone like, say,  Buzz Aldrin.  Or Niecy Nash.  Or the aforementioned Ms. Gosselin.

Speaking of… why on God’s green earth is she still on the show?  Is it me, or is it the editing, or does this woman come across as being personality-free?  ABC totally knows what they’re doing with her on the show, however.  She is hot mess ratings GOLD.  The packages showing her in rehearsals with partner Tony Dovolani always have an awesome moment when the look in Tony’s eyes is:  “I fucking hate her so hard.”  To me, it’s the money shot of every episode.  And her dancing is… bless her heart… well, it’s pretty bad.  It’s like she’s in a haze.  Kudos to her for going in front of 20 million people and giving it her best, but watching her, I can’t help but think:  Is she on a continuous Demerol drip or what?  Kate!  Wake up!

And so, my heart and dancing shoes belong to Pam.  She gets my vote.  And if ABC is as smart with Pam as they are with Kate… there’s GOT to be a wardrobe malfunction in the near future.  We all want to see it!  Even me, and I don’t even… you know… like them there girl parts.  Hey ABC:  do it before Pam gets whisked away to prison by the IRS!

Pam, let’s go have a vegan milkshake.  I even have tax wisdom to share.  I heart the IRS almost as much as I heart you, maybe a little more.  Call me!


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