Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

h1

Manifesting NPH

September 2, 2010

I saw my first naked celebrity last week, in person!  Not on the internet or on “Celebrities Gone Wild” or nuthin’, but with my own eyes.

I was not at all surprised either.  It was a very logical happenstance in my mind.

A few days ago, I decided to treat myself to a massage.  I had some errands to run on Rodeo Drive later in the afternoon (oh, the life!), so I decided to visit a hoity-toity spa in Century City.  I even opted for the extended remix massage – 80 minutes instead of 50.  Yeah, das’right.  I’m worth it!

It was a gorgeous facility, and one of those places where prospective employees must be required to submit headshots with their application, because everyone was beautiful.  Like, stunningly beautiful.  Like, “You are so beautiful, I want to slap you.”  And I’m a non-violent person for the most part.  It’s all good, though.  We’re all one.  Plus, if like attracts like, then I was so obviously in the right place because I’m stunning, fabulous and beautiful, too!  Yeah, I said it!  I’m beautiful, damnit!  If it sounds vain to you, might I lovingly suggest you look inward, as this is likely an issue you have to address within.  It’d be a wonderful thing if more people would out-and-out claim their beauty, don’t you think?  Moving on…

I was running behind, so I only had about 15 minutes to change and get to the waiting room before my scheduled time, but I did want to shower and sit in the steam room to loosen up my muscles a bit, if only for a few minutes.  Nothing raunchy here, pervs – as if my delicate constitution would even allow such salaciousness! – but most health care practitioners would, I think, agree that a trip to the steam room is healthy and worthwhile, despite it being a breeding ground for fungus, bacteria and God only knows what else.  I’m sure y’all are happy to learn I now speak for health care practitioners worldwide, too.

Anyhoo, in all my nakedness, I saw Neil Patrick Harris there.  He was at the sink brushing his teeth or something.  The glamorous life in Hollywood, baby!!  He was en route to the showers, so unfortunately, this wasn’t really the time to chat him up.  I suppose it is a personal boundary I have, but approaching someone while they are soaped up in the shower stall just seems… well… inappropriate and, uh… TACKY – even if it IS for professional reasons and not for reasons of a more personal nature.  It’d be another story if this were – and I’m speaking TOTALLY hypothetically here – a bathhouse on Raamstraat in Amsterdam.  (Not that I have any direct personal knowledge or experience in such things… um… but I’ve heard stories, OK?!)  However, that is not the experience I expect to have with Mr. Harris.  I knew that had we been anywhere else in the facility, and had some modicum of coverage on, I would not have had an issue chatting him up.  That was a fun realization for me.

I found his presence there curious and fascinating in that I have had a script I’ve wanted to get to him for a long time, and that idea recently came back into my head again.  So I’ve actually had Neil Patrick Harris on the brain in recent weeks, and suddenly (or not?), there he was.  I am a man of power.  How else do you explain it?

Advertisements
h1

An experiment for September

August 31, 2010

Has it really been more than a week since my last hilarity-filled blog post?  Seems so.  It takes serious energy to be as brilliant and magical as I am.  Where does the time go?!  I make the most spectacular plans each week, and then I realize the week is half over, and then it’s like… wait… yet ANOTHER week has passed?  Does this have something to do with getting older?  This is flummoxing, because I made it very clear to the Universe a few months back that I was done with aging.  In fact, I specifically stated that my body will now age backwards.  I even learned a new term for this last night:  youthing.  “Every day of my Life, I am youthing.”  And so it is!

I am still getting things done – progress with my writing, triathlon training, obedience work with my dog, meeting new people, taking better care of my body with food and my mind with spiritual practice, and all kinds of deliciousness.  Still, there is never as much accomplished as I’d prefer.  I’m learning to simply embrace where I am in the process though, be that a concrete task of looking for a car to purchase, or something more big picture like… I dunno… being a decent, authentic human being.  Yeah, that’s a good one.

Along those lines (sortof), I made a decision a few nights ago to undertake an experiment for the month of September.  I actually KNOW the results will be so mind-bogglingly incredible that it will continue beyond those 30 days, but for now, I’m saying September.  The experiment is to take the fear and human ego out of any and all decisions, and to simply trust the nudges and inspiration that come from within.  Easy right?  To follow through and boldly say “YES!”

For example, a few days ago as I was sitting quietly reading or perhaps pondering the Schrödinger equation – the fundamental equation of physics for describing quantum mechanical behavior, don’t you know – a  nudge came out of the blue:  “Maybe I should send such-and-such an email about blah-de-blah.”  [Nudges have been changed to protect the innocent.]  Immediately afterward, there was a flood of: “Well, if you do that, what about this?  What if they think THIS?  And how will they respond when THAT happens?!  And what if CNN finds out?!  No… definitely don’t do that!”  The more I study the Mind, the more I am fascinated by how it works, and how it often works very hard to deny us what may be a truly spectacular Life!

A quote from a friend’s Facebook page today sealed the September experiment deal for me.  It was written by Osho, an Indian mystic guru and philosopher (thanks, Wikipedia!):  “One needs to be an adventurer, always ready to risk the known for the Unknown.”  There is an earlier part of the quote that talks about living life dangerously, but I’m not sure I agree with that.  I think one can live fearlessly without ACTUAL danger.  Semantics, I suppose.

I’m sending that email to such-and-such about the blah-de-blah, by the way!  And the rest of the month… excited to see what happens!  I will do my best to document results.

h1

There’s this guy…

August 17, 2010

So there’s this guy, right?  And lately, I can NOT stop thinking about him.  I mean, seriously, I’m wondering if medication might be required.  So I’m writing it out and putting it into cyberspace to free up some space in my brain.  I trust it will make room for the 432,177,483 other things I have to work on.  See the previous blog post if you’d like to see the list.

If you knew this guy or met him, I don’t think you’d blame me for being a little obsessed.  He’s the kind of guy EVERY man wants to be with.  And every woman, probably.  He’s enlightened.  He’s spiritual.  He is living his life right now, today, with so much passion and joy… it is infectious.  You can’t help but WANT to be around his energy.  And he gives it away freely.  He knows his supply is infinite.

He knows who he is, what he wants, and he’s having fun in every single moment of the journey.  He’s whole and complete.  He’s happy and excited about his life, and he’s ready to share that.  He’s passionate about his work, passionate about helping others reveal their own authentic selves.  He’s confident and audacious without being obnoxious – is there anything sexier?  He’s in touch with his senses and knows how to communicate them articulately.  He has drive and direction, and is open to ALL of life’s possibilities, even if they don’t fit into his ‘plan.’  ESPECIALLY if they don’t fit in, because he knows those will be the ones that contribute to his on-going evolution.

He’s smart.  He listens.  He makes me laugh – to the point where I’m snorking coffee out my nose.  He’s peaceful and kind.  Always smiling.  At least when I see him.  Gawd, the smile.  Dangerous.  Something tells me there’s a playful, naughty streak in there too.  And his eyes are gorgeous:  bright, honest, hypnotic.  They see and communicate the Truth, always.  He’s beautiful.

And oh yeah… he’s not bad to look at either.  Let’s go there, shall we?  If only for a brief moment.  To start, he fills out a pair of jeans nicely… is all I’m sayin’.  Anyone who knows me well knows I’m a sucker for a nice pair of sturdy thighs.  The rest of him is no slouch either.  He’s fit.  He’s sexy.  Well proportioned… everywhere.  His hair is incredible.  Honestly, I have some hair envy going on.  There’s an intangible quality to his entire physicality that elicits a primitive, audible grunt when I think about him.

So who is he?  I gotta say… I wish I knew.  (Hell, if you know him, give him my number, will you?)  I know he’s out there, though.  On that, I’m clear.  I know he wants the same things I do, plus a lot of things I’ve never even thought of that he will reveal to me.  He knows I will expand his world, too.

I’m hoping none of this sounds sad or yearn-y or anything.  Or morose.  A friend of mine told me I looked morose on Sunday night, which surprised me.  Interesting what other people perceive.  Regardless, the Truth as I know it is quite the contrary.  I’m EXCITED!  When we finally show up in each other’s worlds and see each other… really SEE each other… it will be extraordinary.  And life gets better and better…

h1

Oral fixation

August 11, 2010

My schedule is as stuffed as a Chipotle burrito.  Writing, running tech for a one-man show, daily spiritual work (reading, journaling, meditation), weekly treatments with my naturopath, overhauling my eating habits, triathlon training, doggie obedience class, voice lessons, learning to surf, relearning guitar, finishing up a major editing project I volunteered for, working with an assistant to cross all those pesky unfinished projects/energy drains off my list, plus a few other social activities I really don’t want my mother reading about.  Next week I’m adding Bikram yoga classes and pre-production work on a script I’m producing.  I think I have a date or two crammed in there somewhere, too.

I am essentially rebuilding my life from scratch, and it’s like an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition – the old has been razed, and now there are 100 things all going on at the same time.  This is not a complaint, mind you.  Just facts.  For the most part, it is quite fun!  On occasion, however, I’ve been known to overthink things, especially with men/dating, and it is hella-exhausting.  Alas, every episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition ends in tears, so we have that in common, too.  When I’m that tired, my emotions are raw… right there on the surface.  I had a HILARIOUS, fun-filled emotional meltdown at a voice lesson last week.  Good times.

I think this is partly because of the carnage happening in my mouth.  Two weeks ago, I started a year-long InvisAlign treatment.  For those who don’t know, InvisAlign is/are – is it singular or plural? crap, I don’t know – the clear trays that work like braces for people with less than perfect teeth.  InvisAlign revolutionized the world of orthodontia in the past 10 years.  Something like that.  No, I’m totally making that up.  The timeline, the revolutionization.  All of it.  Is “orthodontia” an actual word?

I had metal braces when I was 12 or 13, and there was no way on that was happening again in this lifetime.  Hellz no.  My post-brace-face smile has since had a relapse, and there is a gap between my upper and lower teeth.  There is an actual orthodontic term for this, by the way, but I can’t remember what my orthodontist, Larry, told me it was.  Balls.

Anyway, this gap has irked me for years.  At my InvisAlign consultation, Larry told me that every time I swallow (approx. 2400 times per day according to answers.com), my tongue pushes against the back of my upper teeth.  Multiply that by 25 years and voila!  Gap.  It’s called being a “tongue thruster.”  (And don’t think for a second I didn’t immediately update my online dating profile with that tidbit.)  I’ve since begun tongue therapy to correct my, uh, thrusting/swallowing issue.

The InvisAlign guidelines are pretty clear and simple.  You pop in a new set of “aligners” every two to three weeks and wear them constantly except for eating and brushing your teeth.  You’re only supposed to drink water because the trays will stain, and any hot fluids could also distort the trays.  Son of a bitch!  There goes my coffee addiction.  It’s probably for the best.  With all the water consumption, I’ll be fabulously hydrated for the next 12 months.  My skin will be flawless, my eyes will sparkle and my urine will run clear… 27 flippin’ times a day.

One of the things you don’t hear about InvisAlign is that for some people – like me, of course – they weld these tooth-colored attachments onto your teeth.  Essentially, they are what hold the aligners in place, providing leverage for the trays to pull a tooth down, push it in, twist it around, do the hokey-pokey or whatever other oral torture may be required for beauty’s sake.  The attachments have sharp little edges, too.  I’m pretty sure they could be used to rip flesh off a small child.  To be clear, this would ONLY happen in an emergency situation.

With the attachments and the usage guidelines, one of my first thoughts with regard to treatment was:  “What about sex?!”  Yes, I have sex.  Occasionally with another person, too.  Like on Leap Day.  Or Tuesdays.  Anyway, orally speaking – is that redundant? – in many intimate situations, we’re dealing with some pretty sensitive areas, right?  I don’t want to be inadvertently shredding anyone’s unmentionables.  Ouch.  Damn, what am I doing to the poor guy in this scenario?  It sounds like I’m rubbing my bare teeth all over him like I’m testing a strand of freshwater pearls.  Hmm.  I can’t recall ever doing that, but… well… there’s the overthinking again.  And a visual of myself that is disturbing and decidedly unsexy.

For the first few days, removing the trays was an experiment in pain threshold analysis.  My bottom teeth are particularly crooked and crowded, and when pulling off the trays, I was fairly certain the entire bottom half of my face was going to disengage and be ripped off… like that scene from Poltergeist.  Remember?  I bet he was in the first week of InvisAlign treatment, too.  Ghosts, my ass.  By the way, only half a face: also not sexy.

But you know what IS sexy?  Plastic mouth guards hermetically sealed onto your choppers.  A chunk of romaine lettuce stuck between my gums and the plaster attachment.  Add to that:  drooling, chapped lips, and an intermittent Cindy Brady lisp.  HOT!  I’m preparing for a tidal wave of dating requests.

When Larry was explaining to me the sensations I might experience during treatment, he mentioned that the aligners are shifting everything at once.  There’s some discomfort initially, but then things adjust and it feels normal until the next set of trays when it starts over again.  I have 22 sets of trays.  Awesome.

Regardless, when I think about it, it’s like a orthodontic metaphor for my life.  Everything is shifting at the same time.  It’s uncomfortable, but not unbearable.  I can decide how it affects me or not.  Things are being pushed, pulled, twisted, hokey-pokey’d.  Bad habits can be eliminated and replaced with newer, better ones.  Unwanted gaps can be removed if I so choose.  And yeah, I may drool.  I may chafe.  So what?  In the end, I’ll know I’ll still be smiling.  =D

h1

Two years and counting…

August 7, 2010

Two years ago, on August 7, 2008, I boarded a jet and flew to Los Angeles.  That day left such an imprint on me that when I read my Day 1 LA365 blog entry, I can feel every moment in my body like it was yesterday.  The flight.  The hill.  The sign.

The journey to the present moment has taken some truly astonishing and life-altering turns.  As I ponder what the past two years have brought, I know without a doubt I am in exactly the right place at exactly the right time.

Tonight I am part of a production opening in LA called “Becoming Norman.”  I’m running lights and sound.  It’s a beautiful one-man show written by and starring my friend Norman Dixon – one of MANY astonishing and inspiring people I have met in Los Angeles.  His show explores many subjects and ideas, and the one that resonates most strongly with me touches on the very reason I moved to Los Angeles in the first place:  finding your voice, listening to your heart and stepping into your authentic Self.

There are plenty of places in the script that I can relate to creatively, artistically and personally – including lines I know I have said almost verbatim in my own life.  One of these moments has stuck with me more than others in recent days, though.  It is near the end, when Norman realizes he has been holding back his creative Self almost his entire life, and how so many of his friends didn’t even know he was a singer or performer.  That is exactly how I feel.

Even after all this time, I know there are many people here – including those who have known me almost the entire two years – who have no idea what my background is, what I am truly capable of, or even what I want to accomplish here in Tinseltown.  It makes me a little sad if I think about it too long.  But I don’t.  Because I know who I am.  We should all be so lucky to have reminders like Norman.  Sometimes during the show, I am in the lighting booth about to bust out of my own skin because Norman’s story and performance is so compelling.

I am reminded of Mama Rose breaking down at the end of Gypsy (please, like you didn’t know a Broadway reference was coming):  “What I got in me… what I been holding down inside of me.  Oh, if I ever let it out, there wouldn’t be signs big enough!  There wouldn’t be lights bright enough!  Here she is, boys!  Here she is, world!”  And, well… we all know the rest of that number…

Yes, some amazing things have transpired in my life in LA.  But there is a shift happening in this moment in my life.  In my work.  In my thinking.  There will be no more fear or doubt or holding back.  Hope y’all are ready.  I Am!

Next time:  how my mouth has become a metaphor for my life



h1

I Heart Pam

April 19, 2010

In a million years I never thought I would say these words (and mean them), but here they are:  I friggin’ love Pamela Anderson.  Yup.  Baywatch bombshell, Playboy model, former showgirl and the Guinness Book of World Records’ “most downloaded star.”  Her website also casts her as actress, mother, developer (?), entrepreneur, philanthropist and activist.  Some ‘Links of Interest’ on her website include The Nation, President Obama, and the Getty.  Damn, girl, when do you find time to tan?

I’ve had this unrequited Pam Anderson girl-crush for years, not just since her current stint on Dancing with the Stars began.  More on that later.  The reason I love Pam is that she is a living example of someone who has fearlessly stepped into her authentic Self,  and makes no apologies for boldly celebrating who she is.  Hellz yeah!  She is pure cheese, and doesn’t pretend to be anything other than pure cheese.  In fact, Pam may defy all cheese labels and fall into the auspicious category known as “cheese food” – something defined as containing “a minimum of 51% natural cheeses by weight. It also must have a moisture content of at least 44% and a milkfat content of at least 23% (at least in the US).”  Draw your own conclusions.

Whatever you decide, you can’t deny that Pam has embraced what the Universe gave her and is now living a joy-filled life, having fun, doing things she loves and supporting the causes in which she believes.  Theoretically speaking, isn’t this the life we all want?  One that brings us unlimited joy?  Awesome.  I’ll have what she’s having.  Pam, you’re kinda my idol.

Now, most of us don’t see her at home with her kids, at the grocery store (although… typing that, I am reminded of THIS DAY from my blog in 2008), at the post office, or the library… what we see is the celebrity Pam, not the “real” Pam.  But literally and figuratively, she’s kinda put it all out there, has she not?  It’s not like she has anything to hide anymore.  Am I really supposed to believe the Pam who drives her own kids to school is that much different from the Pam who appeared on Larry King Live discussing how she talks child rearing with Kate Gosslein in the make-up room of Dancing with the Stars?   (P.S. Totes hate myself that the words “Kate Gosselin” just made it onto my blog – twice.)

Pam is the glimmer of light I tune in to catch each week now that the stunning physical specimen Aiden Turner has been cast off by viewers.  Who else do the gays have to root for?  Jake Pavelka?  He wears too many clothes.  Even after a Risky Business routine that saw Jake dressed much like Tom Cruise’s character from said movie – the iconic pink oxford, underwear and socks – one of the judges… the gay one… (wait… that doesn’t help…) Bruno asked, “Why did you put your pants back on?!”  EXACTLY!

There’s Evan Lysacek, I guess, but I have a problem with Evan, and I’m not even talking about swallowing the frog that is Evan claiming to be straight.  (We all live our own Truths, Evan.  You do what you need to do, and I support you.)  My problem with Evan is, that like Kristi Yamaguchi before him, I believe a figure skating background gives him an incredibly unfair advantage.  It isn’t a big stretch to surmise that Evan can spend more time working on technique and characterization when the choreography very likely comes more easily to him than it does to someone like, say,  Buzz Aldrin.  Or Niecy Nash.  Or the aforementioned Ms. Gosselin.

Speaking of… why on God’s green earth is she still on the show?  Is it me, or is it the editing, or does this woman come across as being personality-free?  ABC totally knows what they’re doing with her on the show, however.  She is hot mess ratings GOLD.  The packages showing her in rehearsals with partner Tony Dovolani always have an awesome moment when the look in Tony’s eyes is:  “I fucking hate her so hard.”  To me, it’s the money shot of every episode.  And her dancing is… bless her heart… well, it’s pretty bad.  It’s like she’s in a haze.  Kudos to her for going in front of 20 million people and giving it her best, but watching her, I can’t help but think:  Is she on a continuous Demerol drip or what?  Kate!  Wake up!

And so, my heart and dancing shoes belong to Pam.  She gets my vote.  And if ABC is as smart with Pam as they are with Kate… there’s GOT to be a wardrobe malfunction in the near future.  We all want to see it!  Even me, and I don’t even… you know… like them there girl parts.  Hey ABC:  do it before Pam gets whisked away to prison by the IRS!

Pam, let’s go have a vegan milkshake.  I even have tax wisdom to share.  I heart the IRS almost as much as I heart you, maybe a little more.  Call me!

h1

Ladies and gentlemen, we’re back…

April 12, 2010

Welcome back, blog.  I’ve been away from you for too long, but never forgot about you.  I have some great memories with you, of you, and documented right here on you.  From now on, I’ll be visiting more frequently.  Together we’ll make beautiful music…

OK, before this goes down a seriously disturbing path, I’ll stop.

Hey readers!!  So yeah… my blog… what happened there?  I’m sure I could come up with a lengthy dissertation about all the shiz that went down during the past year, why, how I responded to it, overthought it and brought more of the same into my life.  But… eh… all is well now, so let’s focus on that.  Agreed?

There are truly amazing things – some (myself included) might even call them miracles – happening in my life right now, in fact my mantra of late is that “Every day gets better and better.”  And it does.  So that’s where we’ll start.  Yes, I will definitely recap some of the more fun highlights from the missing year as I remember them, like my work with dogs, classes I’ve taken and spiritual work I’ve been doing, and the visit to Coffee Bean when that hot guy asked if he could purchase some of my urine.  Good times.

It’ll be fun and fabulous, and I’d be honored for you to join me on this journey.  Stay tuned!